“Our boundary need not always be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces, “I will be treated sacredly.”
—Dr. Jaiya John
Confession: I've used politeness as a boundary most of my life. Even when I don’t want to be polite. My son can hear it in my voice a mile away. I get a tone that means I’m trying HARD to control my anger, grief, disappointment, resentment, hurt. But instead of saying that I say something like “Sure, I understand, of course, no problem” through a tight smile and an even tighter heart.
Sub-confession: I’ve also confused politeness with niceness most of my life. Even though I am being trampled by you, I’m too afraid to say that and be perceived as “not nice.”
So I seethe. Grit. Smile tightly. And go back for more.
I’m thinking of a neighbor who was a dear friend to Leo and me, then got quite verbally abusive when we started making decisions about our lives that, although they had nothing to do with him, didn’t align 100% with how he lived his life, and he felt entitled to let us know in very nasty ways. But because we had had such a sweet friendship, I didn’t believe the nastiness, and I kept thinking I could fix it.
Seethe, grit, smile, FIX.
Ahhhhh, I don’t just use politeness and niceness as a boundary, I use control—my number one tool to manage fear. Because when someone is stomping all over my boundaries, I have a lot of fear, and I want to quickly fix whatever it is that is making them so angry at me because I think that’s the only way to get them to stop.
But it’s not.
A mentor goddess of mine once told me that we MUST have enemies because if everyone likes us it means we aren't being authentic. I looked at her like "Even if that were true, and I doubt it is, I will be the exception." Ha!
I was 36 and couldn’t stand the idea of someone not liking me. She smiled. Authentically. Knowing I would get there eventually.
And here I am, almost the reverse of that age, and getting there. A life of poetry and parenting has also taught me that nothing is more necessary, powerful, appreciated, and loving than authenticity.
Authentic boundaries mean my heart can flow happily and peacefully between “No Trespassing” AND “All are Welcome.” Plus, seething and gritting is exhausting!! I’m wearing my teeth down. My jaw hurts.
I don’t need to fix whatever it is about me that you don’t like. I don’t need to change your mind OR mine. I simply need to listen to my heart and act accordingly. I want my kindness to be real. My smile to be true. My respect to not come with any hidden agendas.
There’s so much hatred in this world. So much disrespect. BAD behavior. Unacceptable treatment of each other. We’re sharing a planet. We need to figure this out. (Voting is a boundary too! So please VOTE!)
In the meantime, if I feel my teeth coming together too tightly, I promise to share my boundary with you before seething, gritting, and fixing step in to do it for me. Tell me yours. Then we can find the authentic place where our relationship needs to lean in and deepen or step back and take some space.
Poetry heals, love wins. Boundaries rock.
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